"I Am"

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Hello, Dear Diamonds.

I recently had a health scare that forced me to have an honest evaluation of the ways I handle worrying and stress.
Throughout my life, I’ve learned to repress a lot of mental and emotional trauma.
It’s similar to filing papers. I file the event away in a designated cabinet and address it at a later date.
What I didn’t realize, however, is that sometimes our bodies carry the weight of stress without us being aware of it.

A few nights ago, I was laying in bed with a lot on my mind.
I ended up praying, repenting, and pouring my heart out to God with the hopes of starting fresh in the morning.
But I couldn’t fall asleep.
I tried playing soothing music, breathing exercises, and even changing the position I slept in.
Still, nothing worked. My mind was just racing.

I suddenly started to have trouble breathing and sharp chest pains, right in the area where my heart is.

 My immediate reaction was “What is going on?!” because I’m too young for a heart attack.
I wouldn’t even entertain the idea.
To make a long story short, the pains persisted and I traveled to the emergency room. I was diagnosed with costochondritis, chest wall pain.
The pain was not actually in my heart or lung but outside of it, and believed to occur because of emotional stress.

Emotional. Stress. Ugh. Really??

I won’t bore you with details of how challenging this year has been for me, but emotional stress has been at its peak.
I guess the weight of it all came crashing down upon me. Stress really shows up in ways you don’t anticipate.

Anyway, God spoke to me in several different ways these past few days and all roads led back to Moses.
If you’re not familiar with the story of Moses, you can read the full thing here. Here’s what God wanted me to focus on:

One day Moses was tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro,[a]the priest of Midian. He led the flock far into the wilderness and came to Sinai,[b] the mountain of God.  

There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn’t burn up. “This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.” 

When the Lord saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

“Here I am!” Moses replied.

“Do not come any closer,” the Lord warned. “Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. I am the God of your father[c]—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” When Moses heard this, he covered his face because he was afraid to look at God.

Then the Lord told him, “I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey—the land where the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites now live. Look! The cry of the people of Israel has reached me, and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.”

But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”

 God answered, “I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain.”

But Moses protested, “If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, ‘The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,’ they will ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what should I tell them?”

God replied to Moses, “I am who I am. Say this to the people of Israel: I am has sent me to you.” – Exodus 3:1-14

Now I’ve read this part of Exodus a few times in my life, but this particular time God put an emphasis on “I AM”.

Let’s look at Moses.
Moses who has been charged with a divine assignment, a divine purpose.
Moses with all of his flaws and insecurities.
Moses with his past.
Moses with all of his doubts and worries.
Moses with all of his objections and questions.

What Moses was basically saying to God was
“You chose ME, Lord? Don’t you know me? I KNOW you know me! I can’t do any of that!”
Moses couldn’t see past the lens of himself, his flaws and his worries to realize that it was not about him.
It was not about his fear or inadequacies.
It was not about what he thought he could or could not do.

He asked God, who shall I say qualified me? Who is this God who sent me? What name should I give the Israelites and Egyptians so they could see this is a legitimate thing?
God told Moses to tell them “I AM has sent me to you”.
Just rest on those two words for a second.

I AM.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am very much like Moses.
I have all of these objections, questions, and fears when it comes to the simplest things in life.
I have all of these bills, all of these dreams, and no possible clue how any of this is going to be resolved.
And how does God answer me?

I AM.

Not you are, not it is, not it will be. I AM.

Not you are, not it is, not it will be. I AM.

Lord my bills are past due and I don’t have the money:
I AM [providing for you].

I just can’t seem to kick this addiction God:
I AM [stronger than all your addictions].

My family has completely abandoned me:
I AM [here with you].

I don’t know how I’m going to do what you called me to do:
I AM [going to do it through you].

I AM. I AM. I AM.

So often we look at life and our problems through the lens of our limited wisdom and understanding.
We don’t look at things from God’s perspective.
We don’t always aim to have a God’s eye view for things.
But whatever it is you are facing, whether it is overdue bills, much needed healing, or the confidence to finish a task, the answer is:

I AM.

Maybe if we looked at our lives and circumstances with the knowledge of who HE is, the absolute truth of His identity, the anxiety would fall away.
Maybe we would have that peace, deep trust and confidence we pray for.
I mean, it’s worth a try. MY way surely isn’t working.

So I just wanted to encourage you today, as well as myself.
There are times where it’s hard to look forward to anything, but I believe God when He says I AM [working it out/making it interesting/holding your hand the whole way].
Tell your mountain how GREAT your God is.
He is the King of GLORY after all.

With Love, Kay

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